Scoring Goals

Two years ago and change, I had a clear goal: I wanted to get home. It was not very generous to the home I had lived in for most of the recovery until then, my father, stepmother and sister's home. Nor very generous to them, or the many people around me who were invested in my recovery. Nevertheless I wanted to be well enough to go home to New York City, where I've lived all millennium.

Without realizing, I had a clear and attainable goal for exercise, and through exercise, recovery. Returning home, though, has been a problem. Sure I have a ton of friends here, and a great support network, but my goals for recovery have been too distant, and I have often failed completely and fallen into a mire of doubt, depression and inactivity. My goal to walk on my hands again is too far away to be useful.

I also have a different perception of expectations here in New York. When I don't go to the gym or pool, then I feel as though I'm the only person who suffers. Back in England, I feel more keenly that I am disappointing the people around me. It doesn't make a lot of sense: people in the US are just as invested in my recovery, and people in the UK are invested regardless of where I am (not to mention those elsewhere). It may not be wholly rational, but I find it easier to exercise in the UK than in the US.

Of course, since I'm aware of the problem, I'm trying to fix it, but setting a goal that makes sense is hard. Right now, I'm lucky: I have a definite date by which I want to be in as good shape as possible. That means swimming 3-4 times a week, and going to the gym 1-3 times weekly. Or I fail. No excuses, no alternative.

Come January, though, what then? Goals to lift weights aren't very useful to me. I already swim for at least an hour and a half, non-stop. What next? Something attainable, achievable through diligence, beneficial. If I think of something, I'll let you know.

Valentine Update

I'm combining this month's update with last week's goal report, both of which are late. Saturday and Sunday the snow kept me housebound: there was a lot of it, and it wasn't cleared enough for me to walk on without too great a risk to limbs, ass, and dignity. Not that I give much of a damn about my dignity any more. 

Monday, I thought it would be clear enough to go all of two blocks to pick up yet more drugs from Rite Aid. This thought was a mistaken one. The two blocks there and back were so wretched in the rain with uncleared sidewalks, half-block detours, near calamity and general precipitation induced misery that I gave up on the whole day and wrote it off. So three days of playing XCOM ensued. Not a complete loss, though, because I have discovered that console games improve my right hand's dexterity and sensitivity. Good thing, too, since XCOM is so damned good. 

Today, Tuesday, I was back at the gym, and stronger, if unsteadier. Before I went, I could hear the start of that siren call to indolence, but quashed it easily. I did wonder if that was how the depressive slump could start though: obsessive interest in something distracting, initially with a good reason, but soon disregarding the flimsy pretext for being sedentary. 

To the update:

Vision hasn't changed noticeably, but my left eye is coming closer to closing. There are signs of life in the lower lid, which seems to be closing at night. It doesn't blink so well, and it's a son of a bitch to get moving, but I'm certain it's attributable to acupuncture. No change in the oscillopsia yet, nor obvious change in the diplopia, but I'm seeing an ophthalmologist soon, so who knows what that may bring. It turns out the video of my one-and-a-half syndrome is still on tape on the neuro-ophthalmologist's desk, but when it's digitized, expect a link!

My left facial palsy is gradually lifting, again thanks to acupuncture. It's a bit weird having all those needles shoved in my face, but it's working. I still only smile with the right side of my mouth, but I'm confident that the left will join in soon.

Toiling away in the gym and pool has been improving my strength and endurance, but the right side weakness still exists. It's really noticeable doing something like a dumbbell chest press, where my left hand lifts the weight smoothly and cleanly, but the right hand wobbles and the arm begins to struggle sooner.

Balance has definitely improved, most clearly visibly at the gym, again, where I can now actually do standing dumbbell calf raises without falling over (mostly). I seem to be swaying backwards and forwards, though, even when I have a steadying point under my hand. This swaying explains a lot of the apparently random pitching forward and stepping back that I've been doing, but I'm currently at a loss to correct it. 

The period of the sway does not match the period of the tremor, which I think is improving, again thanks to acupuncture. One of the needles in particular hurt like hell in time with the impulse to twitch, so maybe the needles are reconditioning my arm not to move in a bad way. Who knows? I still slept for two hours solidly, pain or no pain, so the needles were doing something!

The exciting new discovery is that I'm slightly deaf in my left ear. Not enough for me to have noticed before now, but my snoozing alarm increases in volume, and I realized that I could hear it first through my right ear, even when it was closer to my left. It's not a huge deal, so I'm not worried about it, but it is consistent with the theory that I have some left side vestibular damage.

All in all, not too bad, considering that a year ago I was just starting to add some weight machines into my gym routine, and leaving my stick behind in the gym was pretty scary.

I should thank the anonymous benefactors who got me hand grip strengtheners and a pull-up bar from my Amazon wish list; I have used both and they are doing me good! I haven't figured out how to find out who was that kind from the interface, so they are anonymous pro tem.. 

Finally, here's the week's progress report. Three days off mean a big fail on most of the goals, but snowpocalypse and I saved humanity from an alien invasion, so I think I'm allowed.

Weight Goal: 170lb. Last week: 198lb, this week: 197lb.

Exercise Goal: gym 3-4x, swim 2-3x - This week: M:swim, T: day off!, W: Swim, Th: Upper, F: Swim, Sat/Sun: snow

Meditation: M, T, W, Th, F

Tai Chi: M, T, W, Th, F

Stretching Goal: after every gym - Th,

Writing Goal: write at least one word a day on Project #1: M: 42, T: 0, W: 68, Th: 46, F: 117

Superbowl Goals (Week 2)

So the stretching (which I didn't manage at all) last week, has been pretty lame. I need to get back to my regular routine. I deleted everything I wrote on Tuesday, and started again on Wednesday, and that's clearly visible in the numbers. But I had to do the frustrating experiment on Tuesday to find the clearer path for the rest of the week... and then I got XCOM, and Friday and Saturday went to hell, and Sunday is always a busy day. In fairness, what I am writing right now is very hard but at least I got my head down and did some.

Speaking of having my head down, it looks like my nose was well in the trough this week, making my weight goal the only one I failed. Eh, whatever. I gained muscle mass, and the weight will come off eventually. Stretching on Saturday was pretty perfunctory, but I did it. These goals will do for another week: If I can keep them up and play XCOM as well, I'll be in good shape.

Weight Goal: 170lb. Last week: 196lb, this week: 198lb.

Exercise Goal: gym 3-4x, swim 2-3x - This week: M:swim, T:Upper, W:swim, Th: Lower F: swim, Sat: upper, Sun:lower

Meditation: M, T, W, Th, F, Sat, Sun

Tai Chi: M,T,W,Th, F, Sat, Sun

Stretching Goal: after every gym - T, Th, Sat, Sun

Writing Goal: write at least one word a day on Project #1 - M: 377, T 83, W: 329, Th: some, F: 32, Sat: 34, Sun: 42. Total: 897+some.

Goooaaaal!

I met four out of five goals that I set myself this week. I lost 1lb, which is less than I'd like, but in the right direction, so it will do. I exercised every day this week, sat in meditation every day this week, and wrote some of Project #1 every day. I'm happy to have done all of those, but don't want to change them for next week, because although they are lowball goals, and I exceeded them, I would rather have a consistent, simple set of goals for several weeks running before making them any harder

The idea is to sustain what I'm doing, and sustaining these activities for a long time is more of a challenge to me than making them more challenging for the short term. In other words, I think I'm more likely to succeed over the long haul if I'm gentle to begin with.

Besides, there's the goal I didn't meet, which was to stretch after each gym session. I'm going to leave that where it is, and keep working towards it. I have an idea where the failure point is (it involves hot coffee and cold weather), and want to see if I can get back to making stretching regular.

UPDATE 1/28: I changed my mind. I'm going to add another lowball, easy target: do 5 minutes of Tai Chi every day. It's only 5 minutes, it's clearly beneficial, and I stopped doing it... why?

Weight Goal: 170lb. Last week: 197lb. This week: 196lb

Exercise Goal: gym 3-4x, swim 2-3x - This week: Monday: swim, Tuesday gym (upper body), Wednesday swim. Thursday gym (lower body), Friday: swim, Saturday: gym (upper body), Sunday: gym (lower body)

Meditation Goal: sit every day - Days sat: Every day this week!

Stretching Goal: after every gym - Tuesday

Writing Goal: write at least one word a day on Project #1 - Monday: 259, Tuesday: 297, Wednesday: 463, Thursday: 284, Friday: 303, Saturday: 14, Sunday:130. Total: 1750

Moving Goalposts

I think one of the factors contributing to my erstwhile depression was the lack of a goal. More concretely, I had accomplished all my goals, and was left with nothing immediate to reach for, and a resulting sense of futility.

When I was in the UK, I wanted to be well enough to make it on my own, and to survive back here in New York. On top of that, I wanted to host a party to celebrate not dying for a whole year. Finally I wanted to attend the Burning Convention and run a game that weekend. I achieved all three goals, and promptly plummeted.

So, I intend to set myself some goals, and track my progress towards them. I'm going to try not to ask a vast amount of myself because it's unrealistic, but here goes:

Weight - I weigh too much again. I want to be at (or under) 170lb, from this morning's 197lb. There's no time limit on this goal, so long as I'm trending in the right direction.

Exercise - Staying at the frequency I was at before is quite doable. I should be at the gym 3-4 times a week, and swimming 2-3 times a week.

Meditation - Like exercise, this is one of those stupid ones: I know meditation does me good, so I just have to hold myself accountable for doing some. Let's start with making it super easy: meditate every day this week; doesn't matter how long for.

Stretching - I haven't been doing the neat regimen of stretches that I was doing for the dumbest reason: the android app that was timing the stretches is broken. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Goal for this week: stretch after every gym session. Stretch goal: every day.

Writing - Apart from this blog, I write stuff. Except I haven't been. It's tiring, but it is possible. So: write some of Project #1 every day. For the first week, a word is enough (but more is better). I also have projects #2 and #3 which deserve dates, but not this week.

Sure, I have to face that I do have more limited resources than I used to have, that reading, writing or typing take longer, in some cases much longer, and that despite the sure and certain knowledge that all of the above are good for me, sometimes I just don't wanna. But I know that if a week goes by when I haven't met these goals, then something is wrong.

So look for a progress report next Sunday where I find out how realistic my short-term goals are.

9/11 Update

Monthly update time! It's 11 months since I had a stroke, and 11 years since I first wrote a piece called "Hello from a new New York" in the wake of the WTC destruction. The city is new again, but because my brain is damaged, not the city nor the psyche of the whole country.

I've written quite a lot about the progress I've been making in my effort to recover, and with the occasional exception, I hope I have been as positive as my recovery to date has merited. I return home to this city in a lot better shape than I left it, thanks in no small part to the friends and family who succoured me when I needed it most. But I realise that I have had a shorter-term goal over the last months: be well enough to return to New York.

That goal has been accomplished, but it has left a gap I didn't know had been filled until I felt the lack. I am not joking, nor lying when I say that I intend to walk on my hands again, but as a goal it is far more distant than I need, and although I can keep working towards it, it's not enough. Likewise get stronger, swim further, or walk better are too nebulous to be of much use. I'm working on all those things anyway, because I don't like the alternative.

I have an idea what the new goal should be, and it's almost orthogonal to recovery, but I suspect that if I fulfill that goal while doing all the other stuff I'm doing, then it will prove worthwhile. In the meantime, suggestions (facetious, fanciful or fantastic) on a postcard...

It's hard to judge my recovery compared to last month, since the context shift has been so huge. Not only, for example, have I had to deal with a new gym with weights in lb. not kg (arithmetic is hard!), but I have redesigned my workout to use more dumbbells,  which are more challenging to use anyway, go to Pilates three times a week with a much more fierce instructor, and make do with a murky, chemical-filled 22m pool. Who makes a 22m pool? People who hate, that's who.

Easier instead to look at some of the victories and challenges New York has had to offer in six days:
- I got around on the Subway, at first with a friend, but after the first day on my own. Victory! Some interchanges are hard (Canal St., 59th and Lex), and by and large people are even worse at offering me a seat than in London. I think I am not helped by the fact that I look in pretty good shape. Conversely the facial palsy helps here, as does the stick, but I find myself thinking "I'm not carrying this thing for fun, you know!" rather a lot. Perhaps I should get a t-shirt.
- I took my laundry in and collected it. Victory! The first non-food thing I purchased in NYC on my return was a laundry bag with shoulder straps, which I also used to pick up friends' CSA share. Both the veg and my laundry were bastard heavy. Much more so than a year ago. Manageable, but tough.
- I went shopping on my own to Pearl River, and got what I needed. Victory! I was so damned tired though, after Broadway and the Subway, and cooking myself dinner that I was in bed at 9:30pm, and asleep by 10pm. Not to mention the fact that I had had to resort to the Chinese emporium for white people because my vision was too poor to pick out a useful store when I had an hour to spend in Chinatown. That has a lot to do with the parlous state of my glasses (new ones arriving soon!) but the fact remains that my vision is pretty poor.
- I navigated a busy Brooklyn street in the dark and wet. Victory! I was with friends, and I nearly went over once, but caught myself before either face-planting or hitting anyone else. It was hard, and substantially harder after even one meagre glass of wine. I have become a very cheap date.

One of the things I have been wondering about has been prompted by the Paralympics, where there is a class for moderate impairment of the whole of one side. I have that. It remains to be seen whether I am sufficiently impaired to qualify for the actual Paralympics in RIo, and at 45 I shall likely be too old for any of the sports that interest me (i'll remain a spectator for the wheelchair rugby, thanks), but it has come as a surprise to me that I can work that hard. 

Qualification aside, what I have been wondering is essentially whether it gets any easier. When I walk, swim, or even sit upright I am consciously getting my right side to work. I am better at it, and am better at doing something else while spending some concentration on not falling over, but at a conscious level, I am working. This is visible in many ways, but two are most obvious: if I am distracted when walking, I look even more drunk than normal; when I'm eating, I tend to eat to the exclusion of all else: it is quite difficult to multitask when I'm cramming foodstuffs in my pie-hole. I don't yet know if any of the gains I have made so far will ever be automatic. I believe they will, but that it will take years, and I can't hide from the fact that I may be wrong.

This makes it occasionally galling to be in good shape. I have buffed up because I had to. If I hadn't, I would still be using a walking (Zimmer) frame, and labelled a falling risk. My legs look great because it takes a frankly ridiculous amount of effort to stand upright. Make no mistake: I am very happy to be in better shape than I have been for years, but to be in good shape and be disabled regardless challenges a lot of assumptions in the able-bodied, and I'm afraid that Americans, even New Yorkers, are pretty ignorant about disability, vide the almost complete lack of Paralymic coverage here..

So, New York is as challenging as I thought it would be. It's providing me with lots of opportunities to master my fears, both rational and irrational, as well as lots of opportunities to be humbled and grateful, both to strangers and to friends. Who could ask for anything more in life?