Bloody Resolutions

For the first time, I've maintained a New Year's resolution for the whole year. I don't recall ever doing that before, certainly not for a resolution that was specific, rather than the "I will be a kinder person this year" type of vague promise that any lawyer could drive a truck through. No, for 2017 I resolved not to fall over, and I did it.

I've sat down quite heavily, but always on a chair and one I intended to occupy, if not so precipitously. My arm flies out often to help me keep my balance and I'm no stranger to the windmill flail of a gymnast trying to stick a landing, just with much less grace. Turning has meant some fancy footwork (from my left) when my right foot has decided to land in a very unhelpful spot, but for a whole year (and since then) I have not fallen.

This may not seem like a big deal, and for most, it isn't. Not falling is like breathing: something that we shouldn't have to think about in most circumstances; it's automatic. Over the last few years, however, gravity has taught me that I do need to concentrate, and for me, not falling will never again be automatic. Instead, the preparation and calculation when I stand up, turn or just walk must always happen, and that is on it's way to becoming automatic. It's faster now, but there will always be a delay when I get moving; I always have to think about it consciously.

"I am in blood stepped in so far that, should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as go oe'r." (Macbeth)

Making that mental preparation, rather than assuming that I can turn around without ending up on the ground, is boring. If moving can't be automatic again then the siren call of the sedentary response is even more alluring: if moving is a hassle, don't move. This has it's consequences, though. Brains develop by having to work, even with physical things (we just, mostly, get the boring repetitive stuff out of the way when we're little kids), so choosing not to move inherently limits healing. Also, doing nothing makes me fat and unhealthy. The very condition caused by having a stroke makes behaviours tempting that in turn increase the likelihood I'll have another. It's a trap!

A year ago, I had no expectation that I'd make it the whole year, just intentions. At some point, I'd gone so long without falling that merely having to start again would have been painful, as well as the physical discomfort of having fallen. By the last few days of the year, I was determined not to waste my efforts, although such 'waste' makes no objective sense. Now, a new year has begun, and I'm just as determined to maintain my resolve and not fall.

However, I've already made it a year, demonstrating to myself both that I am able to not fall for a whole year, and that I have the stubbornness to sustain a resolution. It would be foolish not to use the latter for further gain, especially to counteract pitfalls; resolving to eat a packet of biscuits (cookies) every week would easy, bad and delicious.

Last year was tough for me; I was depressed and news (local and international) has been appalling. I've found it hard to see anything ahead but doom and consequently had little motivation beyond the hedonistic. As a result, I find myself at the start of 2018 fat and unfit which is a downwards spiral, since exercise increases serotonin levels and makes one happier, as well as fitter and less likely to die.

So, for 2018, I've added to my resolution. I'm still adamant that I won't fall over, but in addition I've resolved to go to the gym at least three times a week and do some exercise. If I don't go three times and could have then my falling resolution is failed: I'm leveraging the tedium already spent to require further tedium. I am in blood so far stepped in... It helps to know that in a few months, going to the gym won't be a chore any more, but one of the ways I've failed before is when my routine has been disrupted; it's been trivial to routinely not go to the gym after a valid event to prevent me going. The resolution addendum, therefore, is not absolute: I know, for example, that I won't be able to go to the gym at the end of February because I'll be on a boat in Norway, but the addendum will require me to go back to the gym when I return.

This time next year we'll find out if my resolve is stronger than my indolence.

Maybe Pride, Definite Fall.

My walking improved over the last day or so. Not hugely, but enough for me to notice; some connection has been made in my brain between the balance part and the part that controls my right leg, hip and foot. As happens frequently when I've made any sort of progress, I promptly fell over. 

It was the first time I've fallen in the gym, and it was fairly spectacular. I was mere inches from sitting heavily and gracelessly on the bench, but instead hit the floor with two 30lb dumb bells in tow. My pride was far more hurt than I am, especially since there were people around (at 8am on a Saturday!), who helped me up and racked the weights. The help chafed but was welcome, because the surprise of falling on my ass was a bit of a shock. Later, I would be lifting heavier weights, but the amount of metal is less significant than my internal (im)balance. 

Strangely, it was a sort of relief. One of the criteria for my current inability to work is that I can't carry a (light) weight around regularly. I claim this and yet I go to the gym and lift weights; surely I'm lying? The fall was an accident, but an ample demonstration of what happens when I don't concentrate all the time that I'm carrying anything. Going to the gym is tiring both because I'm working out, but also because I have to pay attention all the time.

Happily, the rubber floor in the free weights section saved me from all but a bruised behind, and if I was a bit pleased with myself, that got put in perspective. 

Exercise, Meditation and Brains

I've been wondering about this thing that we do; it's not just me, because I've heard others describe basically the same thing, so I'm going to go with it being universal. If it doesn't affect you at all then please say so. In my case, it applies most clearly to meditation and exercise, but other things too. Things that I like doing, even.

Both meditation and exercise make me feel better. I went to the gym this morning, worked hard, and feel better than before I worked out. Both things are work, though, or perceived as hard. As a result, I don't want to do them. Right up until the moment when I see myself as starting them, I'm looking for reasons not to do them. Despite the fact that I know I will feel better for doing them.

I want to crush this aversion (then bottle and sell the crushing formula for a gazillion moneys). So far, the best I can do is strategize to mitigate the effects, which is little more than hacking, and not a real solution. The  strategies I use most are:

* Trick my brain into starting before it knows what's going on. This only works about once a day, if I get up and am halfway to the gym before I have quite woken up.

* Trick my brain into perceiving the start time as sooner. The moment I start getting my gym kit, or touch my meditation stool, then I have started. I haven't quite managed to extend that forward.

I suspect there's some neat bit of neurological cruft left over from our evolution that doesn't reward deferred benefit adequately, so I have also been crudely trying to hack my brain while I'm at the gym: moving some heavy thing around is hard, but I am trying to concentrate on the good feeling in muscles immediately afterwards.

Perhaps I should also spend more time 'miring my guns.

(There was some good commentary on the original Google+ post.)

Exercise Made Easy

Since +Terry Romero and +John Stavropoulos said they've been getting back to exercise with [my] swole kick ass workout, I think it only fair to come clean about what I'm doing, and the simple rules of thumb I've been using. Bear in mind that my goal has been to get fit and healthy, but I have to be patient with my post-stroke body, so I haven't set any time or weight targets.

If I can't do a set of 8 reps, with good form then the weight is too heavy.
If I can do a set of 12 reps with good form then the weight is too light.
If I hurt and thus can't function the next day, the weight is too heavy,
If I get the weight wrong but do a set anyway, i.e. the weight was too light, then that's the set I did that day. I know better for next time.
If I did better than the last time on at least one exercise, then that is progress, and that's all I ask for.
If I look at what anybody else is doing, then I'm an idiot: I have no idea if they even have a clue, nor what their goals are, nor what their history is.
If I am comfortable, rather than putting in a somewhat uncomfortable amount of work, then I am doing it wrong.
If I am not certain how to use a piece of equipment, then I ask. Not only are there people paid to tell me, but they are also glad to help.
If I weigh a pound or two more or less, I don't care. A 5-day moving average is a better measure. (Same with BP which I track more.)

The first two are really the core of what I have been doing when it comes to free weights. I'm doing an upper body/lower body split program, with each half twice a week and going to Pilates on the other days. I was swimming on the Pilates days, but my stuff got nicked; I'll be back either when I find my old goggles, or can afford new ones.

For a workout, I warm up for 5 minutes on a recumbent bike (the other kind hurts my ass), always following the rule about not getting comfortable. If you can read while doing anything at the gym, you are doing it wrong. Then I go straight in to the weights; I'm using dumbbells more than anything else, because that works my stability most. I do two sets to go for a low volume, high intensity program that is quite efficient. The first is a warm-up set at about 60% of the weight of the second set, and I'm aiming for muscle failure in the second. Then I add some cardio: rowing machine on lower body days. 

Finally, I stretch for about 40-60 minutes a day, covering all of the major muscle groups. This seems pretty essential for me, if I want my right side to function correctly, but unless you want a laughable range of motion, you will stretch, too.

Because I'm a big nerd, I want to be as efficient as possible, and to be measurable. Two sites in particular have been helpful: +Fitocracy, and ExRx. Fitocracy has been great for keeping me honest, but also for tracking what exercise I did at what weight, and allowing me to see clear improvement, week on week. The community is cool, and knowledgeable, and has something to offer pretty much every fitness goal. You can find me as Ironcinder.

ExRx is an equally valuable site that has imagery for almost every imaginable exercise. When I put together the program I use now, I went there. When it's time to change it up, I'll go back. Also useful was the /fitness sub-Reddit.

Allow months to pass before you feel the benefits. Avoid pain, concentrate on feeling good (because you should be), and don't be crazy: I loved my uncle, but I'm still mad at him for having a fatal coronary on an exercise bike. There is no excuse for not starting now. Your future self is more likely to be around to thank you.

First Full Day Back in New York

Yesterday was busier perhaps than I had planned, but a good first full day home. I re-awoke my gym membership from suspension, worked out for a bit, and checked out the pool on the other side of the block. It's not an ideal pool, but it will do the trick, and it's not insanely expensive if I pony up for a year. In fact, the gm and pool memberships combine to slightly less than what I was paying in Dorset. Sadly, the staff at the Sherborne Sports Center were a lot more awesome than much of the staff here, but the gym is friendly without being too full of scary scary muscle Marys. Except me.

Then onto lunch and a delicious Thali, and a little shopping to get a laundry bag that has two back straps. Essential for balance from now on, and I had a secondary task to do with it. Through al this, I had a sanely solicitous guide. The 59th St interchange can be hairy if you're able-bodied, so it was good to have someone with me for the journey. 

Home after that, and immediately on to pick up the CSA share that some other friends cant pick up this week (because they're in CA) using the aforementioned laundry bag. It was still bloody heavy, but quite manageable, and promises to be delicious. The apples already are. As soon as the next sign-up period rolls around I will be joining. There is no good reason not to.

Finally I was going to put my feet up and watch Murderball only to have a moment of sheer, unadulterated terror: I was not sure I could remember how to work the TV and attendant bits. The ignominy! It turns out I remembered just fine, Muderball isn't available streaming, it's at the top of my queue now. and I watched the School for Scoundrels instead, which was charming.

On balance a good, full first day back with exercise, friends and a final flop.