Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Time Passes, Slowly

Nearly three years on from the set of strokes that gave me brain damage, I don't know what I expected, but my life is not wonderful. Perhaps I thought I would have got better, faster but I haven't. I've been a lot more depressed, and consequently inert, than I thought I would be.

Looking back, I underestimated how debilitating the impairments I live with are. Individually, they don't seem that bad, but in combination they're frustrating. They are also binary: improvements are great and all, but the underlying problem still obtains. My vision has improved a little, but I still have double vision and oscillopsia, so my visual world is… bad.

Ataxia seems like it wouldn't be so terrible, but I can never just stand up, or just turn around, or even just walk down the street. I have to pay attention, I have to be conscious, and even then I can never be certain that my limbs won't betray me. Two and a half years ago, I thought I would be leaving my stick behind. I was wrong. It's an inconvenient necessity that is ever-present. The few times and please I leave it at the door are relished, but times of great care.

The tremor is laughable, but all-encompassing. Try only using your off hand for anything. Then imagine cutting an onion with a knife hand that shakes at random. It is quite tricky. I don't even bother thinking about the facial palsy, and speech impairment.

All of those things are improving, but it is taking such a long damn time that I find it quite tough, quite a lot of the time.

I seem to have no good news, although I am sure the slow, steady improvement is a good thing. From the inside it is exhaustingly slow, and utterly tedious.

So, if I shut up for a while, it's most likely because I am heartily fed up with being a shadow of my physical self, and just want to go play video games and not think about reality for the duration. I'll be back, probably just the same as before.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please say what you're thinking, be excellent to each other, assume the best in other people, and just don't be a dick!